I was mad. I was confused. I was terrified.
I had a perfectly good job, and I wasn’t looking for another one. I thought I would retire from the company I was with; that my co-workers and I would grow old together.
Then along came a recruiter named Mike.
I told the Lord if He wanted me to take this new job, then He needed to make the whole experience like a train barreling down the track, picking up speed as it went. So He did. My 20-minute phone interview turned into an hour, and my prospective new manager drove 3 hours to interview me. The interview went so well that it scared me. Everything I asked for was promised or considered. Even my recruiter was surprised at how well we were hitting it off.
Meantime, my heart was grieving for the job I knew I was going to have to leave. My soul was angry at the Parkinson’s Disease that made me less than confident in my ability to perform in a new environment. My spirit wanted human ears to listen to me and human wisdom to guide me in my decision.
I came home from work needy and longing for my husband’s input and approval. Instead, other pressing matters occupied his mind and I felt shut out. My anger simmered, my grief spilled over, and my spirit’s longing could not be satiated, so I threw myself into the chore of picking up clothing in the bedroom, while my husband cleaned up dinner dishes.
Since no one else would listen, I started talking to the Lord, not really expecting an answer.
“God, I’m mad at everything and everyone.” I slammed the closet door back, looking for hangers.
“Child, who or what makes you most angry?” I couldn’t actually hear His voice, but no human sound could have been clearer. It was Him, and there was no doubt.
“Parkinson’s Disease. I’m mad at Parkinson’s because it stole my self-confidence. I don’t even know if I could still do this job, even if I got hired for it.” I threw a dirty shirt on the floor as tears seeped from the corners of my eyes.
“It’s not up to you to do this job. I brought you the job, and I will make sure you can do it through my power,” He said.
“Okay,” I said aloud, as the tears ran faster. “OKAY,” I shouted it this time. “OKAY!” I was still mad.
“God, I don’t want to leave my old company. I’m mad at them because they won’t do something to keep me there. Did you hear me? I don’t want to leave!” I yanked the covers up on the bed harder than I should have.
“I want you to leave.”
“OKAY,” and now I was sobbing, “I’ll go. OKAY!”
“I don’t want you to go kicking and screaming. I want you to go willingly.”
“Okay. But, God, I don’t know where this new job will take me; I don’t know anyone there.”
“Child, Abraham didn’t know where he was going either. What if he hadn’t gone?”
“OKAY,” I grabbed a pair of dress pants and another hanger. My coordination was less than stellar, and I couldn’t get the dress pants to hang properly. My sobs were coming in gasps now, and I threw myself on the bed in a fit, “God, I have Parkinson’s and I can’t even hang up my pants right. If I can’t hang up my pants, how am I ever going to do this job?”
“Moses couldn’t speak well, but he addressed a king, and led a whole nation of people out of slavery.”
“Okay…”
For a brief moment, I wondered if Moses cried when God asked him to speak in front of a king and address a nation. He probably wanted to cry, if he didn’t.
“God, no one will listen to me, and tell me what to do.” I slowly got up off the bed, still gasping for air in between sobs.
“I’m listening. And you know what to do.”
“Okay…” a little more quietly this time, “Okay.”
“Be still now. Can you feel my arms around you? Remember the song on the radio, ‘Your life’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place...stop holding on and just be held.’’
“Okay.”
“God, what if I already blew it today when I talked to them on the phone? I didn’t care so much then. If you’ll make them still want me, I’ll go. I promise I’ll go.” And tears of sorrow started again as I picked up a pair of shoes to put away.
“Child, are you listening to yourself? You didn’t go out and get this job, I brought it to you. You can’t do anything to lose this job unless I make it so. I’m in control, not you.”
“Okay.” I reached for a tissue. “Okay. I’m going. Okay, God. And I’m not mad anymore.”
“Okay, Child. It’s okay. Shhh, shhh.. it’s okay.”
Surrender. It’s exhausting.
Lyrics to “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go.